Fighting Fair

Conflict is an opportunity for both sides to grow in love and understanding by seeing how each affects the other – which is what love is all about.

Soul Revolution, John Burke and Dr. Henry Cloud

One of the sessions I focus on in premarital counseling has to do with conflict resolution. It’s amazing to me – in this context, and in other places of life – how adverse people are to conflict. Look, I get it, nobody wants to get into an argument. They are rarely pleasant. Tempers flare. Things can get emotional, and not necessarily in a good way.

But, did you know that it’s entirely possible to disagree about something without being incredibly disagreeable? It’s possible to have an argument, and come to a better understanding of what’s really going on. Because, believe it or not, sometimes, the presenting issue in the argument isn’t the real issue. But if we want to get to the real issue, we have to be willing to dig a little deeper, and that necessitates not losing our minds in the midst of the argument.

Nobody “wins” an argument while another person “loses”. Sure, you may get your way. But at what cost? This approach to conflict resolution is unhelpful. It creates winners and losers – at least it creates the mentality that some are winners while others are losers. What if we took a different approach to our disagreements? What if we are okay with coming at things from a different point of view? What if we don’t always have to have our way?

Conflict can be a way that we refine our approach. Conflict can resolve lingering issues, if we commit to working through them together. We can come to a greater appreciation for opposing points of view if we actually listen. But we have to be willing to do it. We have to be willing to change our approach.

Think back to a recent conflict you’ve had. How well would you say that you handled it? What did you learn about the process? What did you learn about the one with whom you were conflicted? How did you grow through the process?

When we approach conflict as an opportunity for growth, we can find personal growth. Like so many things in life, our approach makes a different.

So, the next time you find yourself in the midst of a conflict, take a breath, step back and find a way to work through it together.