This is a post that I have been thinking about for quite some time.  And I’d like to address a couple issues before going any further.

1) Why is this necessary?  When I started my college journey at the University of Evansville, we had a dorm-wide meeting at the beginning of the year.  During this meeting, we were told not to tie our sheets together and repel down the side of the building.  Of course, everyone thought it was a ridiculous rule, but, as the RA said, “If nobody had ever done it, then I wouldn’t have to say anything about it.”  So, why is it necessary to write down the unwritten rules of bathroom etiquette for men?  Because people don’t read unwritten rules.  Common sense is not so common.

2) Why just for men?  This is a simple answer.  I’m sexist.  No, I’m kidding.  I’m not really sexist.  This particular post is just for men because I have never entered the realm of the women’s restroom… well… I haven’t entered the realm of the women’s restroom since my days at K-Mart when I would have to clean the restroom.  I don’t know the unwritten rules for the women’s public restroom because I’m not a women.  They say you should write what you know about, and that’s what I’m doing.  Now, I will say that many of these principles are transferable, and not necessarily limited to men.

So, without any further explanation, introduction and suspense, let’s continue.

A Guide to Public Restroom Etiquette for Men

1) One Stall Rule.  There is nothing more uncomfortable than standing at a urinal and having another guy stand right next to you.  Therefore, we have the one stall rule.  When there is a wall full of urinals, if at all possible, try to avoid standing next to your fellow man, who is in the process of relieving himself.  Now, the inevitable question: what if there are barriers between the urinals?  Doesn’t matter.  Your feet might touch, thus inhibiting the ability to pee in peace.  Now, the One Stall Rule naturally leads into the next rule.

2) Leave the Space.  If you walk into a restroom, and there are three urinals grouped together on the wall, don’t go directly to the middle urinal.  Pick one of the ends.  This is important because we don’t want to force people into breaking the One Stall Rule.  But, do the math.  If there are three urinals, and you take the one in the middle, then no matter which one the next person chooses, it will break the One Stall Rule.

3) Mouth Shut.  When you were a kid, did your parents tell you to not talk to strangers?  Well, that bit of wisdom should remain with you through your adult public restroom life.  If I’m standing at a urinal, doing my business, I have absolutely no interest in discussing the state of your stock portfolio, the big game last night, or your latest escapades.  Now, there are some exceptions to this rule.  If you are friends, then you may talk.  If you started the conversation outside the urinal/toilet area, then you may continue it.  However, if the person with whom you are trying to strike up a conversation is a stranger, it’s best just to keep your mouth shut until you leave the facilities.

4) Eyes Forward/Down.  This rule rides on the coattails of the previous rule.  If you don’t know the other people using the facilities, don’t look at them.  In the wild, if you were to look a gorilla in the eye, it would be considered a challenge.  A wandering eye in the men’s public restroom does the same thing.  If you absolutely must look at another person in the public restroom, you are only allowed to make eye contact, or look at the person’s hair if it is particularly weird looking.  Otherwise, keep your wandering eyes facing forward or directed towards your own business.

5) Personal Space.  Again, you would think that this would be common sense, but, alas, it is not.  If there is a line to use the urinal, don’t wait directly behind a person who is currently using the urinal, and similarly, let the person have some room before you take his place.  Urinals are not intended to have lines, that’s why there is a sink bay.

6) Farting is Fine.  Come on, guys.  We’re not 8 any more.  We go to the restroom so we can get rid of the waste that has built up in our systems.  That includes gas.  Farting is a perfectly natural part of the process.  There is no need to giggle or comment when the cheese gets cut.

7) Seat Up.  So far, almost all of the rules apply to the urinal, but what if you need to use the toilet, the throne?  There are two reasons why a man would need to use the gated community: Number One – to avoid violating the One Stall Rule, and Number Two…. get it?  Okay, so here’s the deal.  Sit down, this may be a hard truth for you: Your aim is not as good as you think.  If you are going to use the gated stall to avoid breaking the One Stall Rule, lift the stupid seat up.  Nobody wants to come into the gated community and clean up after your mess.  Put the seat up, and clean up after yourself.

8) Flush, flush, flush.  This goes alongside the previous rule, in that nobody wants to clean up your crap… literally.  If you are going to use the gated community to take the Browns to the Super Bowl, flush.  Flush that crap down.  I’m not impressed by the amount a poo that you left.  It is not a trophy, or a mark of domination.  It’s just gross.  Flush your stool.

9) Wash Your Hands.  When it’s all said and done, wash your hands.  You may not be too concerned about your fecal/urine germs, but that’s how diseases spread.  Haven’t you watched the movies when a virus threatens to wipe out the entire human population?  Don’t you know that the zombie apocalypse is going to come because you can’t take one minute to use a little soap and warm water?

Hopefully, this will be a small help to those who are lost in the world of public restrooms.  It’s easy really.  Don’t do anything that would make another person uncomfortable.